Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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