It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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