Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
