We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
