Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
