I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
