after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
