I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
