Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
