I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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