just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
