Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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