Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
