I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
