last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
