Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
