In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
