I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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