I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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