how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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