I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
