Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
