I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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