It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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