Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
