Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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