can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he quoted the bible to break up with me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
