I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
