the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Randomize
