Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
