There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Someone shit on the floor
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
do nipples grow back?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
