The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
