if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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