Where are you?
In a non slutty way
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
