Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize