just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
