and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
