Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
