I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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