I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
