my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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