Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
