Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
