he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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