I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
