If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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