Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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