I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
