1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
