he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
