I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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