I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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