i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
