the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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