Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
