I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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